Hey Gary, you mo…
Huh? Someone finally recognized me!

Well yeah chump, that’s because nobody cares about you
Oh, you’re here to insult me, well, carry on.

Hahaha, well, yeah, I am. Let me tell you your mom give some excellent handjobs
Well, that’s because you haven’t tried my handjobs. Ever wondered why they call me “the glove”?

Man, that’s sad. I thought it was because you were good at steals, but now that I think about it, Master Wallace steals much more than you do, asshole
Don’t talk about Ben Wallace, I hate him because he stealed my championship ring when I was with Lakers.

Excuse me? You practically handled the ring in a silver platter with your crappy playing
Well, Miami is now so loaded with Superstars that we’ll win even if I play crappy (which I always do).

Well, the only ring you’re gonna get is a cock ring pounded into your ass by Master Wallace, have a nice day [not]
[Gary Payton extends his hand, denied].

"Who is the toughest matchup for you?"

Stoudemire is always stupefied, part of him not wanting to give ground to a foe and part legitimately puzzled to think of an answer.

"Ben Wallace," Stoudemire eventually offered, "because he's a lot stronger than me. But it's going to be a different story this year.".

Well you're right Stoudy, Ben Wallace isn't just a lot stronger than you, he's also more handsome. He can get more chicks and beat the shit out of you just with his enormous dick. And no, it won't be any different this year. Just bow to the master and ask for his forgiveness

Anyways, I was remembering the finals the other day. I was watching the game with two chics, one on each side, porking them during the commercials. So at some moment the kick-ass announcer says "Some dip-shit redneck couple decided to name their son Ginobilli, and Ginobilli said he was honored". Well, I got news for you: your son will be a cock-sucking bastard who can't play.

It was hard concentrating on the game while wondering how the world can host such an enormous amount of stupidity, so when the game was over these chics invited me over to their hotel. I went under one condition: we would have un-protected sex and if they got pregnant they would have to name their bastard son Ben, and then they'd have to marry some "Wallace" guy and pass the last name to the bastard kid.

I mean, I'm not sure if Master Wallace would approve it, but it would sure cool.

AND, the kid would probably grow up to be someone very important. Just take a look at all these "Ben Wallace's" around the world:

Ben Wallace - the hockey player
Just guess what position he plays. Ok, I'll help you out chump: defense. Not much info on this guy, but he went to Cornell Unversity, whick kicks ass and now plays with the Odessa Cantelopes. I'm sure he got laid plenty at Cornell, I mean, his name helps but I'm sure the guy kicks ass.

Ben Wallace, the game developer
A long while ago I played Halo 2 with my midget friend, we had plenty of fun blasting aliens and stuff. When we finished the game the credits started rolling up and the name "Ben Wallace" scrolled up. Man, I was so exited, I told my midget friend - "Hey cripple, take a look, Ben Wallace developed the game!". For some reason he didn't respond and he left the room crying. Whatever. Let me tell you: Halo 2 is the best game ever. And it couldn't be other way - Ben Wallace developed it after all.

Ben Wallace - The politician
Don't be fooled by his rosy cheeks, this guy has character. Just take a look at his profile: Tackling youth crime in Lancaster and Wyre is also an issue which Ben has been at the forefront off - working closely with council leaders and the police to prevent troublemakers from out of the area ruining the lives of law-abiding residents in towns like Thornton and Poulton. I'll translate this politics shit for the chumps in the public: he like ruining youths lives. And that kicks ass.

Ben Wallace - Extreme biker
I was trying to find the appropiate words to describe this guy, let's just say he's the epitome of a real man. Demonstrating science while doing extreme stunts can't be more manly. Just take a look at the article: The London launch of Einstein Year was publicised with a remarkable BMX stunt, something organisers hope many youngsters will appreciate.

The manoeuvre - dubbed the "Einstein Flip - was devised by Cambridge University physicist Helen Czerski together with Ben Wallace, one of the UK's top international extreme-sports riders.

Ben Wallace - The reporter
I don't know much about press, but I'm sure this guy handles his shit first class. Take a look at what he has written: Female boxing is brutal and hopeless. Just a politically correct way of saying it sucks, and nothing is better than two real men beating the crap out of each other.

*****************

The conclusion is evident: since you and I are not named Ben Wallace, we don't stand a chance in life. But we can change all that: if you're female, just get a Wallace husbande, and if you're male, get a transexual operation and marry a Wallace. Then adopt a kid.

Just kidding. Just do what I did.

I didn't find the answer but I did find this photo of when he played at Virgina Union:

Visit this huge ass-kicking photo.

As you can see, Master Wallace was HUGE even back in his college days. Which leads me to believe that Ben was born ripped.

Yeah, I'm sure about that. I mean, I'm sure Ben kicked his mother's womb so hard that she was thinking in abortion. She would be standing there, waiting for the bus and then *BANG* rounhouse kick from baby wallace and she'd go flying against a wall. Sure, it wasn't Ben's intention, but her mom had to look for her health right?

So she went to an abortion clinic, the doctor said there was no problem. As he proceeded inserting the abortion tools to extract Master Wallace, Ben just grabbed the metal tools and made knots of them with his bare hands. Then, as the doctor pulled out his crappy tools, he tried to get a closer look by getting his face closer. Then *BAM* a little feet comes out and transforms the doctor's face into shit. He goes flying backwards and his skull shatters against the wall, spilling brains all over the place.

Then Ben's mom knew he was something special.

So, if you want to follow general pistons news, let me recommend this blog:

Motoring: pistons blog

For the chumps out there who don't know what blogs are: this page is a blog. Just a collection of articles organized in chronological order and you can comment on the articles.

*Note: I have nothing to do with the author of Motoring, just thought it was cool so I linked it.

Here's the article

I hate to say this, but "I told you so".

Now, back to work!

Crazy rumors say Flipper wants to exchange the Wallaces for the world's biggest cocksucker: Kevin Garnett.

Man, this is so wrong on so many levels because:

1. Ben Wallace is 100x times than Garnett, how do I know? Well, I've played NBA Ballers a lot with my midget friend and I won 99 out of 100 games. And I lost that one game because my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob while playing.

2. Garnett is the world's biggest ball hog. Ever wondered how the Timberwolves, having supposedly the "statistically best player" in the league, can't have a decent season? Well the reason is that son-of-a-bitch Garnett. He doesn't pass the ball. Even I could have great statistics in the NBA if I kept the ball for myself.

3. Garnett skipped college. Master Wallace is a studied criminal justice. If he hadn't gone to the NBA he would be a DEFENSE attorney, just like he is a DEFENSE master in the league. If Garnett hadn't gone to the NBA, he would give blowjobs in a dark alley for 25 cents.

4. Musculature is everything in the NBA, and Ben has like ten times more muscle than Garnett.

5. Garnett is the sorest player in the world. Just take a look at this news article:

Rickert, 21, scored several times with the 6-foot-11 Garnett guarding him. Several other players began to "tease" Garnett about being outplayed, according to a source. When Rickert scored again, Garnett struck him without warning.

Man, Ben would never punch another teammate, sure, he'd love to butch Ron Artest, but that's another story.

Here's the photo contest.

Read the story

I mean, what sort of name is "Flip"? It reminds me of "Flipper", that stupid famous dolphin. Man, I hate dolphins, but I hate whales even more. I wish I could eat whales, that would kick ass.

On an unrelated note

I dreamed about Ben Wallace yesterday, I was walking along the streets of the city where I live, and there was this huge indoors gym with a basketball court. I peeked inside and Voila" there was Ben Wallace! Man, I was so excited, but I thought "Oh, he must be approached by a million fans a day, I'll have to be discreet.

So I walked in casually, with a sort of swagger, pretending not to recognize Ben, so I told him "Hey man, got game?", he sort of half smiled and said "yeah sure". So we proceeded to the skirmish and I got to say: Ben Wallace plays beyond anyone's imagination. I'd try to score and he'd block everything I threw at the basket. He totally owned me. But I expected that.

So I told Ben "Hey man, your face seems familiar, oh my God, you're Master Wallace". And he asked "Master Wallace?" and I said "Yeah man, you kick ass, you're the master of the universe". But he just dismissed me, you know, Ben is so humble. I wanted a picture with the master, but there was no digital camera. Ben told me it was ok, that he lived just around the corner and that I could visit him anytime I wanted, so we walked over to his place and said goodbye as if we were long-time friends.

Man, just remembering it makes me want to fall asleep again. Now, if I only could convince him of looking for some whores, that would be the perfect dream.

Here's the article from the Detroit Free Press.

The Pistons will be the most motivated team in the league next season, determined to prove that Brown received far too much credit for the players' success. If his history is a guide, Saunders will feed his new team's ambition from the first day of his tenure by giving all the credit to his new players, and in return they will be invested in making Saunders look good. Ben Wallace, Chauncey Billups and their teammates can be expected to do everything they can to show that the organization can perform better without Brown. In the end, Brown will endow the Pistons with more motivation by leaving than he ever could have provided by staying next season.

I totally agree with this guy. The only thing I don't like is that Flip Saunders is replacing Brown. So who should replace him?

Well, I'll give you a hint - he's the strongest, fastest, baddest and most intense player in any sport in any part of the universe or the heavens.

Yeah, you guessed right: Ben Wallace.

You see, Ben knows he's the best player in the NBA's long history. He never says it, because that would be Shaq-like and its totally distasteful, but we know he is. So, then he would hire me as an assistant coach, and I'd get a crazy scientist to clone him. Yeah, that's right:

Just imagine the narrator:

- Ben Wallace with the steal and the fast break,

- pass to the other Ben Wallace...

- My god, Ben totally ruined Tim Duncan's shit by running over him, looks like someone is retiring soon,

- OH MY GOOD did you see that alley oop that Wallace did assisted from the other Wallace? My god this is insane!

- Ginnobilli tries to get the ball out buy MY GOD it is stolen again by Wallace...

- but in a gesture of condolence he gives it back to Ginnobilli. Ginnobilli dribbles like shit, as he always does.

-Here comes Ginnobilli trying to hit the three BUT IT IS BLOCKED SIMULTANEOUSLY BY THREE WALLACES!

Ohhhh man, that would rock so much. I hope Joe Dumars reads this and hires me as an assitant coach.

Bonus link: You can't miss this forum thread about Big Ben's madness. Visit it, I took the first photo from there.

Cheers, Ben is the Master of the Universe!

A few players drained shots from 3-point range, others maneuvered through the defense with fancy dribbling and some dished out assists to their open teammates. After such moves, a number of kids would look for Wallace's praise, but the laid-back Detroit Pistons superstar just continued watching.

It wasn't until a small teenager, with his oversized blue jersey draping around his shoulders, picked the pocket of another player and took the ball in for the uncontested score that Wallace broke a smile and nodded his head in approval to those around him.

Oooohhh man! That must have looked amazing!, all those little brats dribbling and draining 3 points, they should attend a loser training camp, like Jordan's or Kobe's.

Those kids should read this webpage, they would know that Ben cares about defense! Haha, chumps. I wish I could go to that summer camp, I'd reject all their shots into their faces and Ben would look at me with approval. But probably I'm too old.

Or not.

Haha, since I'd be like two or three feet taller than these kids, I'd snatch all the rebounds and slam dunk alley oops in their faces (Alley-Ooping is the only way real men score). Then I'd high five Ben and we would go out drinking and looking for hoes. Oh man that would be great. Man, I can't wait to fall asleep to dream about it.

Ok, I'll shut up. But just for today.

And Ben Wallace jumps higher than a kangaroo on a trampoline.

Well, I found out Wallace has had surgery to remove the bone spurs, just as he will surgically remove the championship from the Spurs next season. And that is an undeniable prediction that Ben will get his trophy back, so Timmy Duncan must prepared to get his ass busted! Here is the article and here's the relevant quote:

Pickett and King require that each team have players who have experience at the Division I or NBA level, which ensures a high level of play. And what could be higher than winning an NBA championship? According to Pickett, Ben Wallace of the 2003-04 champion Detroit Pistons was scheduled to attend the tournament and play with his brother's team, Kno Kname. But Wallace had to have surgery to repair an injured foot and couldn't make the trip.

Pickett, however, said has committed to the tournament in the future and will play next year.

"That would have been great for us, but we talked to him, and he said he was real sorry, but the doctor said he needed to go ahead and have the surgery," Pickett said. "But he is going to make a commitment to be here every year."

So I was reading this article on the Detroit Free Press about the guy:

" Let's see if this reminds you of anybody.

He's a relatively unheralded, undersized front-court player who hangs his hat on his physical and mental strength, his work ethic, his toughness, and tenacity on defense and on the boards.

He speaks softly, when he speaks at all.

"I always say it takes three people to have a conversation with him," joked his agent, Richard Katz.

He's all iron and steel on the court, but it is obvious he has a playful side, as well. One of his hobbies is building model cars.

Folks, Ben Wallace has a mini-me."

Could it be true?

Well, let me tell you, even though I like this guy there are some fundamental differences:

1. Ben Wallace is ripped as hell, he looks as if he was chiselled from the same marble from which Michelangelo carved the David -except that it's black marble. This guy looks kinda soft. Just compare:

   

   This guy is put to shame next to Wallace.



3. Wallace has a bigger penis. Well, I mean, I haven't actually seen it, but I'm sure he does.
4. Wallace wears some awsome shoes. Someone told me they where called "And1". I've always thought they look like hooves, which, combines with his chiselled body make him look like a Minotaur.

Well, those are my reasons, and if you think that's not enough, bend over.

]]>